Scoutmaster Cthulhu!
by Nekoko
Summary: Okay, a weird and short little fic about Camping and Cthulhu (not the most common pairing, I'm sure oo; ). More chapters coming whenever.
1. Let the d00m begin!

SCOUTMASTER CTHULHU:  
  
LET THE D00M BEGIN!  
  
In order to get the little gothlings into Boy Scouts, the unholy overlords of said scouts have presented the public with the following commercial...  
  
(Screen is black, large red letters zoom in and hit the screen, then splatter: )  
  
"SCOUTMASTER CTHULHU!"  
  
"EPISODE ONE: LET'S BE PREPARED!"  
  
(Cartoon-esque scene of a friendly forest is shown, with Cthulhu walking in front, dressed in khaki shirt...khaki shorts...khaki goddamn everything, and it makes him look like the crocodile hunter. He is followed by three little boys with black hair, black fingernails, and lots of leather bracelets. They've all managed to attach bondage straps to their shorts...somehow.... Said boys are scouts Ted, Fred, and Evil Bobby.)  
  
TED: Wow, Scoutmaster Cthulhu, it sure is a nice day outside! It's so nice, actually, that I think it's melting the black dye out of my hair!  
  
FRED: Yes, and our amazingly pale skin will be burned like that poor little dying creature over there!  
  
(Outer One is melting like the wicked witch of the west.)  
  
OUTER ONE: Whyyy, whyyy....Ohhh, what a world...... -melt-  
  
EVIL BOBBY: We should bathe in its blood to be rid of this accursed...sun...  
  
(Cthulhu lifts his index finger in the air, as if to make a point.)  
  
CTHULHU: -gurgling noises-  
  
THREE BOYS: ....?  
  
(Cthulhu spits slimy, greenish stuff all over them.)  
  
TED: Wow, a natural sunscreen!  
  
FRED: You're the best, Scoutmaster Cthulhu!  
  
EVIL BOBBY: ....can I still bathe in the blood of the dying thing...?  
  
(Cthulhu pats him on the head and makes more gurgling noises with subtitles. In archaic lettering, it reads: )  
  
"Sure, Evil Bobby, we can ALL bathe in the blood of dying things!"  
  
(Three boys cheer, happy blood-bathing ensues. Fade to black.)  
  
(o0) ( Cthulhu....? / | | \  
  
Note: I realize that the boys didn't understand him the first time he spoke, but did when he spoke again. Let's pretend they can read subtitles, m'kay? .; 


	2. Wounds are as important as knowing what ...

Author's Note: Okay, let's try a little viewer participation here. Faithful readers (they exist in my own little world, n'kay?), when you see this mark, *, let's all say "Tentacle Sex!" How about a little practice... *! Good job! Now, on with the story!  
  
///////////////////////////////////////  
  
SCOUTMASTER CTHULHU:  
  
WOUNDS ARE AS IMPORTANT AS KNOWING WHAT SQUAMOUS MEANS!  
  
In order to get those adorable little gothlings into Boy Scouts, the dark gods of said scouts have presented the public with yet another eldritch advertisement...  
  
(Screen is black, large red letters zoom in and hit the screen, then splatter :)  
  
"SCOUTMASTER CTHULHU!"  
  
"EPISODE TWO: LET'S DRESS WOUNDS!"  
  
NARRATOR: Welcome back, faithful viewers! We join our heroes, Ted, Fred, Evil Bobby, and, of course, Scoutmaster Cthulhu, on a friendly romp in the woods*!  
  
(Happy cartoony forest scene. Ted, Fred, Evil Bobby, and Scoutmaster Cthulhu walk on screen.)  
  
NARRATOR: Oh, but what's this?  
  
(Camera zooms in on rock.)  
  
NARRATOR: It's a non-Euclidean stone of DEATH!  
  
(Narrator gives girly scream. Footsteps are heard getting farther and farther away, then the slamming of a door, and finally the screech of a car. Cthulhu trips on the non-Euclidean stone of death and falls over.)  
  
TED: Oh no, Scoutmaster Cthulhu, that non-Euclidean stone of death has harmed you!  
  
EVIL BOBBY: (mumbling) No shit, Sherlock...  
  
(Ichor oozes from Cthulhu's* knee.)  
  
FRED: Amazing, it fits* BOTH definitions!  
  
TED: Fascinating!  
  
(Cthulhu glares at them, annoyed.)  
  
TED: Oh yeah, that's right.  
  
(Ted bandages the knee with a fish.)  
  
FRED: Hey, that bandage is squamous!  
  
(Cthulhu hands him his* "I-know-words-that-are-completely-useless Badge".)  
  
TED, FRED: Yaaay!  
  
EVIL BOBBY: ...I want to bathe in more dead things.  
  
(Cthulhu pats him on the head, then spits green stuff all over them*. Evil Bobby stares, dumbfounded, and the screen fades to black.) 


End file.
